Every society, school, or home has a set of rules, regulations, and accepted codes of conduct that are used to shape the children that grow within that institution. In other words, we strive towards ‘disciplining’ our children, so that they can become confident, thinking, and sensitive human beings. The dictionary meaning of the word ‘discipline’ is to train (someone) to obey rules or a code of behaviour, using punishment to correct disobedience. I have purposely highlighted the words ‘punishment to correct disobedience’ to bring to the fore the fact that a lot of us parents and teachers give our children punishments or threats, when they do not conform to the acceptable standards of behaviour, as we believe that it is the best way to ‘discipline’ them.

I’d like to give a few episodes that got me thinking on this topic. The other day, I found that a teacher had made some students stand outside the class for coming late. It made me wonder as to what the teacher had achieved through this punishment. The students were simply busy chatting outside the class, and for them, it was more fun to be outside! By punishing the students, had the teacher helped the students realise the importance of being ‘on time’ – a life skill and work habit that is so important to succeed in today’s world? In another episode, a parent confessed that when her child hits his peers, she shouts at him to say that it is an unacceptable behaviour, sometimes she hits him too, threatens, and punishes him, yet her son continues to hit his friends. Over time, the aggression in her son has increased so much that it strained her relationship with him. My question is, has the parent achieved her objective of making her son understand why hitting friends is not a good idea?

The above examples raise some serious questions about our process of ‘disciplining’ our children. In the 21st century, when we want our children to become critical thinkers, it is important that we empower them to think, introspect, and articulate. I believe that instead of giving them a set of dictates and corresponding punishments, making them sit to think and reflect on why they behaved in a particular manner helps them internalise their mistakes. I find asking children to write on why they feel their behaviour has been questionable, makes them realise their mistakes sooner. In fact, I find that they tend to write the things that we as adults would be saying to them. Since it comes from them, it becomes easier to start a dialogue with the child rather than it being a berating monologue session. Many a times, the writing piece also helps give us insights into what our children are feeling, and understand their point of view, which they may be unable to articulate when we are too busy scolding them, and not giving them a chance to speak. In fact, have we adults ever paused to think of the harm we do to our children by punishing them? It either leads them to becoming rebellious and question authority, or it leads to inner anger and resentment, which could lead to health problems much later in life.

Children must be allowed to express their emotions, such as anger and hurt with adults. Feedback and sharing of experiences once a week, over a meal is something that not only gives them a chance to vent their feelings openly, but also binds the family together. The important point here is, parents too must share their own experiences, so that children not only feel comfortable, but also realize that their parents undergo similar experiences in life.

Further, we can also help our children be responsible for their behaviour. For instance, when we are away from home, we can make one child in-charge of the well-being of the other. Children like taking on responsibility as it makes them feel important. We have used this strategy of a ‘buddy’ very often in school, and we find that children respond very well to it, as they feel that they are being trusted and held accountable.

As parents and teachers, we should strive towards empowering our children with ‘self-discipline’. They should be able to think and understand the implications of their actions before undertaking them. Whilst this may seem like a tall order, we must make a beginning somewhere for the sake of ‘disciplining’ our children.