Adolescence is generally considered a turbulent time for the teen as well as the family.  Most teens come across as being disorganized, poor at planning and terrible at time management. For a child, it is a time for forging one’s individuality, testing emerging life skills and asserting  options and independence.  These are important life skills but parents end up worrying about the change in habits, lifestyle, peer pressure and defiant risk taking which are characteristic of this age.

Peer pressure exerts a strong influence and it can be disconcerting for a parent who was once adored by the child to be replaced in affections by the latest poster boy or sports hero, but this should not be construed as a sign that the parental role is ineffective.  Teens observe all behaviors they see around them – their peer role models as well as parents.

Teens are usually impatient, critical of authority and quick to judge. Teenagers hate to be talked down to and crave to be accepted as grownups.  Privacy issues are of prime importance to the teen, and this has to be respected by parents.  Be open to communication at all times and if she shuts the door on your face and tells you she does not ever want to talk to you, calmly tell her that you are willing to wait for her to talk to you at a later time as you realize that right now she may be upset.  Know when to retreat and when to push the issue forward.

Do not withhold giving responsibilities that he can carry out so that you can acknowledge and praise him for exhibiting mature behavior.  Solicit his advice and opinion on various topics and talk to him as an equal. If there is an issue, adopt a ‘problem solving’ rather than ‘fault-finding’ approach. In addition, a collaborative approach rather than confrontational approach is more acceptable, e.g. ‘I’ll clean up my room and you do yours.  When we are both done, we can have a glass of lime juice together.’

Avoid generalizations such as ‘Never’ ‘Always’ in the form of accusations such as ‘Why do I always have to tell you…..’ or ‘You never…’  If you truly reflect upon it, these statements are untrue.  Do not expect perfection, or you will be disappointed!  The aim should be to work for small, specific and perceptible improvements which have to be appreciated by you and brought to the teen’s notice.

Instead of a daily battle, it would help to talk to your teen together and have her agree to maintain a certain schedule.  This will have to be negotiated and prioritized.  If parents and teen can get to agree on the top few areas of importance, that’s a great beginning.  Also check and see whether you are over-reacting for any issue.  Should alarm bells be ringing for temporary coloring of hair and listening to music loudly when compared to being out the whole night without your permission?

Realize that within a few years your teen will be an adult.  It is up to you to ensure that the parent – child bond withstands the stress and strain of this period so that when grown up, the teen can share a great relationship, adult to adult, with the parent, which is one of the greatest rewards for parents as a job well done!

 

DR. SULATA SHENOY

DIRECTOR, TURNING POINT

Centre for Psychological Assessments, Therapies and Counseling, Bangalore